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HOW I GOT THE BLUES
when everything seems to have gone wrong it's time to write a country song

I went to the clinic 'cause I had a cold.
The Nurse gave me two shots.
One for the cold and the other for gonorrhea.
Then, I drove to the junk yard
to get a used tire.
On the way home I got ticketed for
speeding, driving without a license
and DUI.
When I finally got home, I walked through the door
and found both my wife and my girlfriend
sitting at the kitchen table.
My wife told me she was pregnant.
Then, my girlfriend told me she was too.
So naturally I then went outside to the shed
where I had a bottle of wine hidden in my toolbox.
But when I got there I found my son and his buddies
laughing and spinning the empty bottle.
That's when I got the blues.

Copyright 2009 Dr. Elmer E. Wells

EVOLUTION

A politician took a hooker to the zoo and immediately sought out the Monkey Cage. Standing before the cage, he peered genuinely at a large mature monkey and asked it this question: "Do you think that modern man evolved from monkeys?" The monkey being addressed sauntered over and stopped directly across from the politician and his escort. Then loudly proclaimed: "Hell no!"


© 2009 Dr. Elmer E. Well

 

THE SECRET WORD

The secret word is "boss", and this secret is being revealed today to all non-blacks.
It won't work between blacks. Only between blacks and non-blacks.
And I for one think it is about time to let it out!
When "you people" {meaning anyone who is not black} find yourselves in an
uncomfortable situation or even a comfortable one, boss is the word that
will make the black man purr like a kitten.
It will totally disarm a black woman too. Believe me, it can get you out of a whole
lot of trouble. So this is how it works:
This black guy comes into your music store. Intending to make some minimal purchase.
You approach him, smiling, and say "How you doin boss?" Boss? Right away the black man's knees start to quiver. His hands begin to shake and his palms begin to sweat. So he automatically attempts to minimize this unconscious circumstance by feigning disinterest. So he stutters a little, knowing full well that he may now be incapable of resisting your charm. That's when you hit him with "May I help you boss?" I guarantee that from this point on this man belongs to you. And if you see him wavering at any point, simply lay another boss on him. In a difficult case, add a little southern accent and roll you eyes heavenward. Another example. You are selling some hot items. A television set, cologne, a watch and chain combo, etc. You pull up to this black man in a parking lot. He ignores you. You say, "What's up boss?" "Let me show you something, "player." (Another secret word, to be used only on a black man who thinks he is cool-and
all of them do.) Now at this point, the black guy grows suspicious. After all, this could be a set up. So he'll glance around a little. So talk fast. "Look here boss, I can let you have this brand name cologne for $25, and this watch and chain for $100." You got him thinking now. "Help me out boss." (And throw in "player" whenever appropriate). "I'm out of gas and I need to be in Albuquerque tomorrow morning for a job interview." Look pathetic. Be humble. Bow your head a little. You might have to haggle some. So don't forget to reduce your prices -as needed. Do all of these things and I can guarantee that you will make a sale. Now, to the black woman. When you first call her boss she might say, "Who the hell you callin boss?" Then she'll say, "Slavery is over. You think I'm your slave master or somethin'?" Shut up. Shuffle a little and say, "I'm sorry, boss." Right now, you've already got her. And she is trying to choke back a smile. This is when you say you are sorry again and then with the sincerest look you can muster, say "May I please help you boss lady?" Shazam! At this point she might roll her eyes and put her hands on her hips. Ignore that. You got her, babe. You got her. By the time she leaves your store, you will have taken all of her cash and she will max out her credit card. And as she leaves your store, she will remind you [with a smile] not to ever call her "boss lady" again. At this point, just smile. So now you know the secret word! But whatever you do {boss} please don't tell anyone that I'm the one what told you!

© 2009 Dr. Elmer E. Wells


GLBT

BL = BLACK WH = WHITE L = LATINO
A = ASIAN NA -NATIVE AMERICAN
U20 = UNDER 20, 030 = OVER 30, 040 = OVER 40, 050 = OVER 50
065 = OVER 65 AS IN (SENIOR CITIZEN)
S = SINGLE, MM = MARRIED D = DIVORCED
WKS = WITH KIDS, OOKS = ONLY OLDER KIDS, NKDS = NO KIDS
M = MALE F = FEMALE
GLBT = GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, TRANSSEXUAL
C = COUNTRY AS IN CF (COUNTRY GIRL)
CC = CITY AS IN BCC (BLACK CITY BOY)
CRZ = LIKES TO PLAY, DRINK, DANCE AS IN (CRAZY)
UPT = LET'S TAKE IT EASY AS IN (UPTIGHT)
NRP = NO RACIAL PREFERENCE
MGT = MIDGET
DEM = DEMOCRAT REP = REPUBLICAN
HLD = LIKES DRUGS/MOTORCYCLES AS IN (HARLEY DAVIDSON)
LFL = LOOKING FOR LOVE
LFM = LOOKING FOR MARRIAGE
LFGTO = LOOKING FOR GOOD TIME ONLY
CL = NO SEXUALLY TRANSMITTABLE DISEASES AS IN (CLEAN)
SSTD = HAVE SOME SEXUALLY TRANSMITTABLE DISEASE
WSD& S = WILL SUCK DICK AND SWALLOW
WSDBN S = WILL SUCK DICK BUT WILL NOT SWALLOW
WEP = WILL EAT PUSSY
WNEP = WILL NOT EAT PUSSY
ASA = ANAL SEX ACCEPTABLE
NASUAC = NO ANAL SEX UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE

MESSAGE

D 065 L HLD
WSD&S LFGTO CL CRZ GLBT NASUAC NRP OOKS
FREE WEEKENDS ONLY CALL ME AT
(Z20) R96-P33T



Copyright 2009 Dr. Elmer E. Wells


WHAT MAKES AMERICA SO GREAT?

As an American born in Mt. Pleasant, Iowa October 6, 1939, I truly believe in the stated title. But for years, I have struggled to objectify the statement. Take it out of the subjective arena. After all, if America were perfect, we would not need jails, or prisons, or lawyers. If we were as fair as we claim to be, why do we keep passing civil rights legislation? Moreover, how does one proceed to unravel this moral conundrum? Please indulge me as I attempt to
answer my own question.

First of all, I had to settle upon a standard. One that could withstand the rigor necessary to satisfy most of the people most of the time. After years of perusal, I did just that. Choosing as my instrument of confirmation: the Nobel Prize Winners -created by the man who invented dynamite, Alfred B. Nobel. More specifically, I only looked at those who won under the headings of Physics, Chemistry and Medicine. I did not consider Peace or
Economics. Why? Because in my short experience with life, I have witnessed that {by and large} Americans tend to feel that the most successful people (academically) are those who have
excelled in these three areas. So, I did what any of you could have done.

I got hold of a common available resource: The World Almanac (1998), and the 2009 Time Almanac. My final tallies reflect the three areas mentioned above between the years of 1901 through 2007. A span of 106 years also included are the tallies for Great Britain/United Kingdom, and Germany/W. Germany combined, because these countries come closest to competing with the United States. Using the citizenship of the winners at the time the awards were given, allowing for the listing of a country only once for a given year (for some years, for example, four people, e.g., Americans, may have received the award for that year) I found the following to be conclusive:
Physics 51% of those awarded were citizens of the United States
Physics 14% Germany/West Germany combined
Physics 11 % Great Britain/United Kingdom
Chemistry 40% of those awarded were citizens of the United States
Chemistry 14% Germany/West Germany combined
Chemistry 13% Great Britain/United Kingdom
Medicine or Physiology 47% of those awarded were citizens of the United States
Medicine/Physiology 23% Great Britain/United Kingdom
Medicine/Physiology 14% Germany/West Germany combined

Of course there were a smattering of people awarded from countries other than the United States, Germany and the United Kingdom. Among them were: Netherlands, Australia, France, S. Africa, Sweden, Israel, Switzerland, India, Austria, Japan, China, Canada, Pakistan, USSR, Argentina and Egypt. But by far, using the naked eye, the United States was clearly far out in front in all three categories. In the so-called "heavy" academic areas [physics, chemistry, medicine] the United States has no equal. So what does it mean? With all of the criticisms of our system of education, our unrefuted preoccupation with sports, music, television, video games, sex, etc., why is it that we still dwarf all other countries when it comes to excelling in physics, chemistry and medicine? My answer is -the American character. The American culture and spirit. The aspect of freedom enjoyed by all Americans regardless of country of origin. No matter what faults may be ascribed to us, using my criteria, we still represent the greatest country in the world!!!

 

Copyright 2009 Dr. Elmer E. Wells